- Pam Congdon
Just one step at a time
by Amber Wright
My childhood has been filled with joy and pain, some of that pain was from being sexually abused during my childhood. This has helped build who I am today; with this experience I have found it necessary to explore who I am and what my experiences mean to me.
This is how I found beauty within me.
Some people would think that a “Victim”/ a “Survivor”/ an “Abused” person/ etc. would live life always thinking that they are “ugly”, “horrible”, a “slut”, “stupid”, “wrong”, “gross”, or would barely acknowledge who they are, all their life. I believe this is a myth.
I do not believe I am ugly, horrible, a slut, stupid, wrong, gross, or non-existent; I believe I am a Phoenix, a Healer, an Embracer, a person who can live, and so much more. Yes, I have been a victim, I am a survivor, I am a person who was abused, and I may forget to appreciate who I am, but these labels are just that; these labels are not all of who I am, they are not what controls me, and I decide what labels I am because I know my reality.
For many years I have let others define my reality and say who I am, but after taking my journey where I can embrace healing myself, I believe I am who defines my reality and I say who I am… no one else.
Over the years I have had ups and down, times when I love being around and times I hate being part of life, and I have had joy and I have had pain. In my experience, these emotions do not go away, and I believe they should not. Each day I get to see who I am. I get to see what is new about me. I get to explore what life has to offer me… no matter the changing emotions, the changing states of self, and the changing trust I have with the world and my life. What I can depend on is the ability to explore who I am and what my experiences mean to me.
Life for me (and probably for everyone) is not a world filled with only rainbows, only butterflies, only positivity, or only joy and happiness. Life is filled with changes and wonders. As a person who was sexually abused during my childhood, I have the power and the choice on how I see my experience. I can choose to see the abuse as something that defines me in a negative light, like accepting myself to be damaged, hopeless, ugly, gross, or horrible; or I can choose to see the abuse as something that let me find my “super powers”; I am a Phoenix who has a passion in showing others that they are a Phoenix as well, in this I found my compassion for others, for who I am and for who I want to be. The abuse I experienced was not the end of my life; my abuse was part of my life and still is part of my life; I choose every day to use my abuse as something to motivate myself to embrace life and to embrace my definition of who I am.
I end this message to you, and to anyone who might need this message, with a poem I wrote to remind myself… I choose how to live my life and how I want to look at my life. Enjoy and thank you for hearing my personal thoughts and my personal experience.
DIFFICULT
It’s difficult to go without life,
I tell myself, just one step at a time
It’s difficult to get rid of my life,
I tell myself, just one step at a time
It’s difficult to hurt myself,
I tell myself, just one step at a time
It’s difficult to find justice,
I tell myself, just one step at a time
It’s difficult to find the rainbow,
I tell myself, just one step at a time
It’s difficult to believe in someone,
I tell myself, just one step at a time
It’s difficult to believe in myself,
I tell myself, just one step at a time
It’s difficult to love someone,
I tell myself, just one step at a time
It’s difficult to love myself,
I tell myself just one step at a time
It’s difficult to go through life,
I tell myself, just one step at a time
Life is difficult…
But one step, is all I need;
Why not see where the step takes me?